Post Date December, 02 2023
In the process of marriage counseling, there are often situations where a good wife and mother may not necessarily receive the love of their husband; A man who is law-abiding and upright may not necessarily be liked by his wife; People who work hard and diligently are not necessarily successful... These situations are inevitably touching. However, upon careful exploration of its process, it is not difficult to discover its cause. The most important thing is that they cannot communicate or express love, leading to being perceived as cold and treacherous despite being kind-hearted; Clearly intended to express love, but considered gross and hypocritical; Excited and inexplicable, but misunderstood as a tantrum. So how can people use the voice of love to save their marriage?
With love
Voice Saving Marriage
Recently, I received a case where my husband and wife were college classmates, and they were in their first love. In the eyes of everyone, my husband is a charming, very loving, and romantic man. And his wife is also a beautiful, gentle and lovely woman. After graduating, they worked together for three years, and finally completed their seven year love run and got married. After getting married, they also had their own children smoothly within a year. Now that the child is two years old, the baby is so lively and lovely. It is reasonable to say that they should be a happy family. However, with the birth of the child, the relationship between the husband and wife changed. Initially, the two had occasional arguments, but later evolved into no longer arguing, and then turned into a cold war. Now their marriage is full of holes, and the wife increasingly feels that she cannot get what she truly wants in this marriage relationship. The idea of divorce occasionally comes to my wife's mind. She didn't know where to go, so she came to consult.
During the consultation process, when asked about what kind of thing the two wives initially started arguing about, My wife replied, "I am extremely busy all day and have to go to work. I also have to take care of my children's food, drink, and sleep. He thinks my speech is not gentle enough and not very obedient to others. But I told him that we need to live a life. If I am still obedient to others, everyone will not live. When I ask him to help me cook or take care of my children, he would rather sit on the sofa and watch TV than come and help me do it
During the consultation process, when asked about what kind of thing the two wives initially started arguing about, My wife replied, "I am extremely busy all day and have to go to work. I also have to take care of my children's food, drink, and sleep. He thinks my speech is not gentle enough and not very obedient to others. But I told him that we need to live a life. If I am still obedient to others, everyone will not live. When I ask him to help me cook or take care of my children, he would rather sit on the sofa and watch TV than come and help me do it
From the above words, it can be analyzed that from love to marriage, the needs of both men and women will change, and their demands on each other will begin to diverge. However, in such a situation, if both parties do not know how to adjust themselves at any time and learn to understand each other's needs, such a marriage is extremely difficult to maintain. How can the marital crisis be saved at this time?
Dr. Chapman, a renowned North American marriage counseling expert, proposed the five languages of love. The main needs of love are divided into five categories, with each person needing different types of love, and not necessarily just one language of love. And as time goes by, everyone's needs will also change. These five languages of love are: words of affirmation, careful moments, accepting gifts, actions of service, and physical contact. These love sounds can be used to save marriage, and when used properly, it can also make your marriage better and better.
One of the Languages of Love
Affirmative language. Mark Twain once said, "A word of praise can keep me alive for two months." From this, it can be seen that the main language of love for some people is to hear affirmation. For example, "Thank you for giving me so much, I keep it in my heart." or "Your clothes are so beautiful, wearing them on you further highlights your youth
Language of Love II
A meticulous moment. When it comes to meticulous moments, it means giving someone undivided attention. In restaurants, you can almost always see the difference between men and women who date before marriage and married couples: the men and women who date are staring at each other and talking; Married couples sit there looking around. You would think their purpose was just to eat. So the meticulous moment is to put your heart on the other person. If even if we sit together, but everyone is thinking about their own things, then the other party will inevitably complain that they don't care about her and accompany her.
Language of Love III
Accept gifts. The gift itself is a symbol of thought; It doesn't matter whether it's worth anything, what's important is that you think of it. Moreover, just the thoughts in your heart do not count; Your thoughts need to be effectively expressed through gifts, and it only counts when given as a gesture of love. So some lovers may hope to receive gifts from each other, in order to prove that they care about themselves.
Language of Love IV
Service actions. The so-called service action refers to what your spouse wants you to do. You try to make him (her) happy by serving him (her); Show your love for him/her by doing things for him/her. This kind of action is like: cooking a meal, setting the cutlery on the table, washing dishes, vacuuming the floor, cleaning the toilet, removing hair from the sink, wiping off white spots on the mirror, cleaning bugs on the car window, taking out garbage bags, changing diapers for children, painting the bathroom, wiping dust off the bookshelf, all of which are service actions. So some people will expect the other party to do something for themselves, in order to prove that the other party loves them.
The fifth language of love
Physical contact. Physical contact is also a powerful tool for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, hugging, and having sex are all ways for a person to communicate love with their spouse. For some people, physical contact is their main language of love, and without it, they cannot feel love. With it, their emotional box is full, and in the love of their spouse, they feel safe.
Let's take a look at the couple in the above case. In fact, the wife's language of love is the act of service. She hopes her husband can do something to prove that he loves himself. And the husband's main language of love is: affirmative words and meticulous moments. Perhaps with the birth of the child, the wife shifted the focus of her life to the child, often sitting with her husband, but her heart was on the child. And there are very few affirmations for him. So a husband may feel that his wife is not caring enough for him or being too dependent on others, but in fact, he needs his wife to say more affirmations to him. At this point, if they all understand these love sounds and apply them, then saving a broken marriage is no problem.
Perhaps some people will say, if I know what the other person needs, then I will definitely satisfy them. But we often don't know what the other party really needs. In fact, we can understand the main language of love from the other party's complaints. For example, if a husband dislikes you for not being gentle enough, his main purpose is not to blame you, but to attract your attention and tell you that he needs affirmative words. If we can understand the language of each other's love and love them with the love they need, then they will be rich and have more strength to love us. At the same time, in communication, one can also tell the other what one really needs, rather than blaming them.
Every marriage will encounter problems of one kind or another, and the reason for these problems is definitely that one or both parties' needs have not been met. If we want to save our marriage, we need to learn to love each other in the language they need.
