Post Date December, 02 2023
Men all know that women like to talk sweet words, but do you know what men like to listen to?
——Woman: "What are you thinking?" Man: "I didn't think of anything."
——Female: "What do you mean by that sentence?" Male: "It means literally."
Similar conversations are common in our lives. In fact, just as men often complain about "a woman's heart is deep in the sea," there are also a large number of women who are distressed by their inability to understand men. Nan Renshu, a Korean writer on women's issues who is well known for her best-selling book "In her twenties, Deciding a Woman's Life," spent five years studying the "man's problem," and reached the conclusion: Assuming that God wants to prepare a "user manual" for men and women before marriage to manage their wives and husbands, then the "Wife User's Manual" should be thicker than the Cambridge Encyclopedia and not be understood at all; On the contrary, the "Husband User's Manual" is only as thick as the TV user's manual, because men are much simpler than women imagine.
How simple is it to understand a man (especially an Oriental man)? Nan Renshu believes that the biggest culprit in all conflicts, contradictions, and misunderstandings between men and women is the "gender label" of men - "be like a man.".
Men prefer to say "facts" rather than "feelings"
After 14 years of marriage, Nan Renshu has a happy marriage, and she considers herself to be a very communicative couple. But one day, when she replayed a conversation with her husband in her mind, she found a "common problem with men": I can always understand his mood through that conversation, but at that moment, I suddenly realized that he had never actually said anything about his mood. This is the basic mode of the husband and wife dialogue played back by Nan Renshu——
Husband: "I've been so busy lately, I'm not in the mood at all. I don't even have anyone to help, just people who put their work on me."
Wife: "It feels hard after a busy day, right?"
Husband: "Last time at a community party, my name was chosen and I was given a product voucher."
Wife: "Really? I'm in a good mood."
During the survey, Nan Renshu found that men are usually just saying facts, while women are always trying to interpret their feelings from them, mistakenly assuming that they are expressing their feelings directly. For example, when a man's income is not good enough and he feels stressed, he won't say, "It's really sad that he can't even buy the roast steak he likes to eat." Instead, he will say, "Those politicians are really incompetent, causing economic chaos.". When feeling pressured by subordinates' rudeness, there are also significant differences in the reactions of men and women. Women will say, "I'm almost driven crazy by that guy," while men will say, "Today's children are really uneducated.". When hearing the news that an artist committed suicide, women would say, "I must have felt too tired to do that," while men would sigh, "The society is going crazy now.".
Nan Renshu explained that men are accustomed to using external facts to explain whether they are targeting a specific situation or even their inner emotions. That's because within their capabilities, this is the only way to explain this abstract thing called emotion. The reason why men are particularly sensitive to politics and economics, and particularly enjoy discussing them, is also related to this.
Why are men not good at talking about "feelings" and "emotions"? The reason is simple, because they grew up this way. The most commonly used sentence for a boy by parents, teachers, and society is "to look like a man", which requires him not to easily reveal rich feelings, especially fragile feelings.
The key to understanding men is "masculine"
For example, Nan Renshu said that it is common for children to fall to the ground and cry loudly. If they are a girl, their parents will hold her in their arms and ask, "Honey, is the fall hurting?" However, if they are a boy, their parents often say, "It's okay, it doesn't hurt! Get up quickly, our son is the bravest!" Even if they sometimes say the same thing to boys as girls, However, there is still the idea of "why boys cry so loudly" in their hearts - the attitude of parents towards their children is revealed in this delicate psychological activity. Boys are subconsciously aware that if they behave like girls, they will not be loved by their parents. In fact, not only between the sexes, men are also required to exhibit strong masculinity between the same sex. When there is conflict between boys, the one who cries is bound to be laughed at. This is a rule that needs no explanation. "I received the education of" must be like a man "from an early age, and immediately plunged into the competitive adult world when I grew up.". "Being like a man" is no longer a choice for men who are caught up in this growth experience, but an inevitable symbol of "male identity.".
In addition to showing a strong "male like" attitude, "career success" is also an important proof of "male like" attitude. During the survey, Nan Renshu once asked male and female interviewees the same question: Are you happy? Interestingly, most women can provide a clear answer, but most men say they cannot provide a clear answer to "happiness or not" because they may be confused: If there is no achievement, what is the meaning of the happiness they feel right now? Nan Renshu analyzed and said: "The vast majority of men seem to have a strong aversion to the term 'happiness'. They believe that so-called happiness is an excuse for those who have no combat power to hide their weakness. Most men believe that power, reputation, and money acquired through their own abilities are good things. For men, the pleasure generated by acquiring these things is the true happiness. Therefore, it is necessary to give meaning to ordinary real life and be willing to accept it." "If you like, men will have more difficulties than women."
Strong character and successful career constitute the two pillars of "man like". Nan Renshu said that even in the 21st century, the gender expectations of the entire society for "men should be like men" have not wavered as they did a thousand years ago. At the same time, women are rapidly rising, and the modern "woman like" has evolved many times over the "woman like" of a thousand years ago, so there are more conflicts caused by differences between men and women than ever before. In this situation, if women want to fundamentally understand men, they must understand their expectations of "men being like men.". "If a woman decides to turn a man's inner world upside down, it's enough to just say, 'You don't look like a man.' Compared to this sentence, accusations such as' really ugly 'or' like an idiot 'are hardly worth mentioning."
Why does "incompetent husband" prefer to put on a stinky face
Many female readers have written to Nan Renshu and mentioned a common problem: they have all been badly treated by their boyfriend with a broken self-esteem, and therefore feel very sad and helpless. For example, a white-collar woman's boyfriend has been unemployed for a year, and although her basic life is not a problem, the tone of her voice is hostile. For example, she said, "Your behavior makes me feel very hard." Instead, she received a cold response: "Don't say anything that feels hard. It's boring." She felt unacceptable and didn't do anything wrong. Why did her boyfriend give her the face.
(Intern Editor: Chen Hao)
