Post Date December, 03 2023
My husband and I have been married for over 20 years, but we didn't know much before marriage. He has a bad temper. I am a civil servant and have a somewhat introverted personality. I am quite confident when I am with my peers. About ten years ago, when I opened a store, he cheated and lost a lot of money gambling. The business of the small store I opened was good in the first few years, and that year I helped him pay off his debts together, which improved for some time. Just four years ago, they were together again. He spent half of his time outside and half of his time at home. My store is no longer open and I have found a temporary job. My friends advised me not to divorce and live like this. Later, the third person sent me a message about how he promised him, and I was sure that she was still the same woman. I asked my husband and he said he would consider it for a period of time. I said yes, but his actions were still the same. He didn't go home and said he was working overtime, something happened. We often argue about this, and his family and I have a good relationship. We firmly refuse to let him divorce because we are afraid of losing their face.
The main reason for our argument is that he won't come home when I call him. The third child is ten years younger than him, single, and has a son not by his side. Now the third child doesn't let him go either. In the middle of the argument, he says he wants to break up with her, so the third child sends his indecent photos to his space. I saw them and told him he deleted them, and then it's like that again. Two years have passed, and he still hasn't had any results. Sometimes when he comes back from going out, he has nail marks and tooth marks on his body, I asked him if he didn't explain, and I really don't have confidence to live on. My husband's heart is in the mistress. I also mentioned divorce, and he said it would be okay and then let it go, but he cares about the children and the salary is also at home. He and I sometimes go out to play together during holidays. I can't tell them apart. I said I had to give up, and he said he would handle it well. Now he doesn't want a divorce, but he just can't come back. He has said many times that he will handle it in a month, but it still hasn't worked out by the end of the year. He said he will handle it well before the new year, but it will still be the same after work after the new year. If he doesn't come back in four or five days, I will go to the company to find him, and he said he will handle it, Sometimes he says he goes home tonight, but sometimes he doesn't come back and shuts down the phone. In the past two days, I said it's impossible for you to handle the problem without going home. He said he'll give him a week to handle it, but I don't know if he's lying to me or really dealing with it. If he doesn't go home at night, will there be any consequences? Should I let go of his situation? Can I still trust him? It's so painful. I hope the teacher can help me, thank you.
Reply
Couples who have been together for more than 20 years can also be considered old husbands and wives. Everyone will not be confused about what they are like to each other. Your husband has been cheating for more than ten years, and he hasn't shown any intention of giving up yet. He's still dragging you and even continuing to act foolishly. Don't you think you're too tolerant? Your husband has problems, you have even more problems yourself.
Firstly, it is already a fact that your husband has poor character, low moral standards, and a lack of shame. Perhaps you have already discovered this, but have you taken decisive and effective measures to deal with it? Your biggest problem may be being too soft and weak. Have you been used to your husband's lies and deceit for so many years? Adapted to his delaying strategy? In the final analysis, it is because you are not strong enough, your bottom line and principles are not strong enough. You are wishful thinking about the day when your husband will repent and discover his conscience, but that day may be difficult to come with your unwarranted indulgence.
You may be very kind, but kindness does not mean indulgence, it is not the inevitable cost of bearing the betrayal of marriage;
You may be very dependent, but it's not a wise idea to rely on someone's emotions or finances. Marriage is first and foremost about equality, followed by independence of oneself, including spiritual and material aspects.
The reason why you are suffering now indicates that your subtext is still not wanting to give up, which means giving up marriage is also painful, and not giving up marriage is also painful. It depends on your own resilience. If you don't have enough wisdom to break free from the curse of marriage, find it difficult to use your charm to resist the attraction of that mistress, and don't have the courage to give up on an unfortunate marriage, then you can only choose to compromise and choose to turn a blind eye.
I just want to say to you: firstly, your man is gambling and lustful, not a good man, and such a man is not worth cherishing; Secondly, marriage is not the whole of life. Don't waste all of your life in an unfortunate marriage and lose your happiness; Thirdly, you need to achieve inner strength, allowing yourself to stand on your own in both spiritual and material terms, without relying on anyone. Choosing to be with a man is for mutual warmth and happiness, rather than succumbing, bullying, and unconditional obedience. Understand these, perhaps there will be hidden flowers in front of you.
