Post Date December, 03 2023
Introduction: Whether mutual love can keep two people going is something many people want to know. Emotion is like an unbalanced scale, not everyone can read it completely. Let's explore it together.
Most destructive to marriage
Many marriage counselors aim to resolve mutual resentment between couples, but Gottman believes that the most destructive aspects of marriage are not anger, but blame, arrogance, self-defense, and closure. To prevent the generation of these emotions, partners should know what the other person wants and is afraid of, and then bypass the latter in their actions to reach a consensus.
Based on Gottman's experience, he speculates that the accuracy of couples' possible divorce has exceeded 90%. He believes that within the seven years after the start of marriage, the likelihood of divorce is highest, and marriages at this stage last for an average of 5.2 years. The next dangerous stage is between 16 and 20 years after marriage, with an average age of 16.4 years. For example, in the general discussion of a newly married young couple who participated in the experiment, their words were mixed with a lot of sarcasm and criticism. Gottman pointed out at the time that they were definitely going to divorce. Although the couple claimed to strongly love each other at the time, they did meet in the divorce court four years later.
Balanced power benefits good relationships
An imbalanced power structure can also cause fatal damage to spousal relationships. Due to the social customs of male superiority and female inferiority left over by history, wives are more susceptible to the influence of their husbands, so husbands should pay more attention to their wives' needs. For example, when the husband is watching a ball game and the wife has something to say, it is best for the husband to turn off the TV and focus his attention on the wife. The dominant party in a marital relationship should always think of 'us', not just' me '.
Proactively resolving conflicts between each other
Disputes between spouses are a common occurrence, and the problem is not to get deeper and deeper into the conflict. After an argument, both parties should actively seek repair to prevent resentment from arising, as resentment is often the beginning of a rift in the partnership. In an argument, it would be great if one party could use humor to resolve the tense atmosphere. For example, there is a couple who are arguing about which type of car to buy. At this point, the wife imitates their four year old son's appearance by placing her hand on her waist and sticking out her tongue. The husband is immediately amused, and the tension disappears.
Learn to appreciate each other
The differences in personality and lifestyle habits between partners are the main reasons for family conflicts, and focusing solely on these conflicts can seriously affect the relationship between both parties. Both partners should learn to appreciate each other's strengths and use the pleasure of appreciation to offset the unhappiness caused by conflicts. For example, a couple initially argued endlessly about keeping their rooms tidy, but later they gradually narrowed the gap because they realized that mutual care was more important than where newspapers should be placed.
Psychologists have created a counseling service called 'receiving therapy' through research on arguing couples. They believe that some couples try to achieve a harmonious relationship by changing each other, but certain aspects of the spouse's personality cannot be changed.
Jackson said, "Spouses get along well not only because they have a common language, but also because they have complementarity... Just look at the examples in our research sample, and we can see that most of those failed marriages are because they cannot accept the differences of the other party. Researchers believe that some marriages are still not worth" saving ". For example, domestic violence (especially wife abuse) is a bad habit that is difficult to break, and divorce is often the only way out.
There are also some couples who have too many differences, and even good counseling and treatment will not be effective. Gottman said that there is a very simple way to detect whether there is still a relationship between spouses: he asks both parties to recall which aspect of the other person attracted him or her when they fell in love. If both parties can recall these beautiful past events and show a smile when discussing them, it indicates that there is still a possibility of revisiting a romantic dream.
