Post Date December, 03 2023
My husband had an affair before and lived together for two years with a girl who was 8 years younger than us. Later, I discovered that I had quarrelled with him and mentioned divorce, but we had two children involved. Moreover, I couldn't bear to have this relationship with him, so I didn't divorce!
He also promised to break up with that girl, but later I found out that they hadn't separated. I was in great pain and questioned him. He found a reason or said he had broken up, asked for my forgiveness, and promised not to contact her again.
In fact, they didn't separate during that time, until the girl's family somehow heard about it, and the girl was forced by family pressure to find a new partner. After my husband learned about this, he discovered that she was engaged to that man and broke up with her.
After all this tossing and turning, my husband felt sad and sad. He said that he had never been so heartbroken before, and finally understood my pain and asked for my forgiveness! This is the confession from my husband and me last night. He said that the reason for giving me a confession is to let me understand that he and she have become the past and will never have any intersection with her again! I hope I can rest assured that he will not betray his family in the future!
Listening to him tell me all sorts of things he had done to that girl, my heart was like a knife in my throat, and I couldn't help crying. Although I knew he had feelings for her, I didn't know it was so deep, just like my feelings for him! Reasonably, I should rest assured that they have finally separated, but I don't know why. I feel extremely uncomfortable psychologically, and even want to leave him. I don't know how to face him, forgive him, or let go of it?
I hope Brother Shan can analyze it and give me some suggestions. "What I feel most upsetting about me is when I ask him if that girl didn't find a partner, would you still be with her?"? He said yes!
I thought he parted for the sake of the child and not to make me so sad. It turned out that I overestimated myself and also overestimated him!
reply:
1. In the field of emotions, the most torturous thing is that you love him deeply, but he loves others deeply. Sometimes it's really difficult to clarify such things as feelings before marriage and responsibilities after marriage. People who initially had feelings for each other may not be able to come together, and people who entered marriage hand in hand may not have much love. In this process, due to various aspects of life, due to differences in circumstances, it is easy to stage various joys and sorrows along the way of marriage. Especially when encountering a person who makes you instantly enchant outside of marriage, it is easy to get caught up in it, and it is easy to cause endless harm to the marriage, even leading to the collapse of a marriage that was originally tolerable.
2. During the duration of your marriage, your husband lived with a girl who was eight years younger than him for two years. What he tasted was fresh and exciting, and what he experienced was the feeling of love. Therefore, it is naturally difficult for him to completely withdraw from this relationship, and it is easy for him to sink deeply into it. Men sometimes belong to a species that is willing to commit baseness for the sake of their beloved woman. At the stage of committing baseness, it is inevitable that he will make irrational decisions under emotional impulse. In his heart, he may really be ready to go through fire and water for love, but when the other party took the lead in choosing to withdraw, he had to temporarily return to calm with a sense of loss.
3. In terms of your husband's performance, he may be a more emotional person, but he is also a more straightforward person. He doesn't seem to have any deep intentions, but his attitude towards emotions may not be mature enough. Because of sensibility, it is easy to be tempted, lose principles, and get hurt. Now, he can't get the other person because he loves them deeply. After a "death of heart," he confides his true feelings to you. I think this is his true state, but this truth hurts you even more because you really care about him, but he really cares about someone else, which makes you feel unbearable.
4. In terms of marriage, do you choose the one who loves you deeply or the one you love deeply as your partner? In fact, there is no standard answer, and perhaps any choice is right, but it may also be wrong, because choosing a marriage not only means loving each other and having a happy family from now on, but also faces unexpected risks. It would be easy if everyone could understand this before marriage.
5. If this man truly knows his mistakes and expresses them with practical actions, then of course he can be given a chance. If this man is separated from that woman, but his mental energy and thoughts continue to be spent on the other person, and he maintains a marriage with you that exists only in name and deed, then you need to ponder carefully and think about where you should go. Give yourself and the other person some time, maybe time will change the state between you. People are constantly changing, perhaps they will gradually become better and better, perhaps you will also slowly adjust their state. If after experiencing these things, both of you can understand the significance of marriage and learn to grow, you will cherish each other.
In short, it's better to learn to do the things you strive for rather than the things you are particularly reluctant to do.
