You must set the boundary in four steps. The actual implementation requires not only courage, but also the coordination of internal emotions and external behaviors. But I assure you, the result is definitely worth it.
Step 1: Determine what you want
If you are a person with unclear boundaries, please take a moment to think carefully: what behaviors of the other party are acceptable to you in the mother-daughter relationship? What behaviors will make you feel invaded, despised, worthless or powerless? What are you willing to respond to your mother's needs? What are you unwilling to respond to? Where should the boundary be? How far are you willing to pay?
You have the right to decide the behavior boundary when two people are together. Can mother help you design a new hairstyle? Do she have to call before she comes to you? If there is nothing urgent, can you call late at night? When she arrives at your home, can she pick up the letters on the table and read them, or look through your drawer or refrigerator? Do you mind if she borrows your things without asking first? Can she change the storage logic of your wardrobe? Can I see your mobile phone newsletter? You can set rules in your own territory, and the content completely conforms to your personal needs and will.
Please remember that you always have the right to ask others to respect you, have the right to protest in the face of unfair treatment and criticism, and must assert these rights within the boundaries of individuals. Your mother should not threaten or humiliate you through words, let alone shout. You have the right to ask her to stop criticizing you and your relatives and friends, and also have the right to ask her not to give advice in vain. You don't need to bear extra guilt and responsibility for her problems or negative feelings.
If in the process of preparing to tell your mother about your needs, you feel uncertain and still hesitate, read your declaration of rights again. You are an adult with various choices and options. As long as you list your mother's loveless behavior and make sure you are not hurt by it, you can go one step closer to real freedom. Once you keep yourself away from those behaviors, you are setting boundaries. You don't need to set all the boundaries in place at one time, and I don't recommend doing so. It's better to take it step by step. But in any case, you have to understand your needs first.
Step 2: express the will to the mother through the position statement
The boundaries you set cannot be known only by yourself. You must clearly let your mother know that your relationship must now set some new basic rules, and when she breaks the rules, makes you uncomfortable, or puts forward some requirements, orders or biased opinions that you are not interested in, the line will be meaningful. You must set boundaries through a position statement.
Step 3: Prepare the response method and use it in practice
If we are in a perfect world, once you express your personal will, your mother will immediately hold you and say: I didn't expect you to be so troubled before, I will change! Then you can have a perfect mother-daughter relationship. But in the real world, the process of sawing with a loveless mother is not so simple. Mother will be shocked when she finds that you are trying to set the border. After all, she has rarely (or never) seen you stand firm, and presumably assumes that you are not such a person. When she finds the new strength you have gained, she will feel threatened and want to fight back.
Therefore, just like the previous practice of non-defensive communication skills, you must be prepared for what she may say and practice the possible response. But this time, the key point is to stand firm, so as not to be involved in the circle of justification and explanation for self behavior, and also to avoid self-criticism.
Step 4: Confirm reasonable exit mode
Your mother may resist or refuse to respect the boundaries you set. If she doesn't respond well, you must plan the words or actions to respond. I don't want you to punish her. The key is to stay away from her hurtful behavior. After all, once you set the line, it means you will no longer accept her specific behavior.
Confirm safe distance
In order to protect you from those acts and prove your determination to you and your mother, you must keep a distance from those acts. So, how to push the mother beyond the safe distance?
Of course, there are other possible ways to respond. After thinking about it, plan out the strategy that can best keep you away from your mother's annoying behavior. But I want to emphasize that when my mother can't respect your boundaries, the reason why I want you to keep a distance from her loveless behavior is not to retaliate, hurt or humiliate her, but to take action after considering your own best interests.
Plan the details of the action in advance, tell your mother in advance, and promise that you will firmly implement it. With these preparations, you can clearly express your ideas to your mother and ensure that your words and deeds are consistent. You can't change your mother's behavior. Only she can change herself. However, by changing your personal behavior, you can really change the mother-daughter relationship.