Post Date December, 03 2023
I am a 30 year old woman who has been married for half a year. My husband (L male) and I met in early 2008. At that time, I didn't have much feelings for him, but I felt that he had good conditions and tried to get along with him. At the end of 2008, my family proposed to get married, but he refused to agree. Later, he found out that his family was against us. He had never opposed me before and had always agreed. We persisted for a long time and broke up fruitlessly, which was quite painful for me at that time, Subsequently, I met another boy (A man), and after meeting A, I quickly forgot the pain of being heartbroken and had a new hope in my heart, quickly falling in love with A.
At first, we were all very obsessed with each other, and A was also very kind to me. Later on, my intuition told me that A didn't really love me, but I just felt that I was very suitable for being a wife. He had poor work conditions, so he was short of money and kept borrowing money from me, but I still loved him. Finally, one day I felt tired, and I felt that he didn't give me a sense of security in both material and spiritual aspects. One day, when I was depressed, I sent L a text message, At this moment, L told me that his family agreed to us and hoped that I could marry him. I was curious and went with him to meet his parents at home, but I couldn't see any dissatisfaction they had with me.
L man used to be very average to me. I was sick and hospitalized before, but he didn't take care of me. But after making up, he treated me very well and took care of me very much (perhaps due to guilt). L had better conditions than A, had both a house and a car, and had a good job, but it wasn't my type. I found that after making up, I had no feelings for him anymore. At that time, I was very conflicted and hesitant. I loved A in my heart, but I wasn't sure if he could be good to me and would spend a lifetime with me, I was also worried about his financial situation, and I vaguely agreed to L.
I proposed to break up with A and he couldn't accept hitting me, so I left A in a fit of anger. I've been with L, but I've found myself even less happy than before. I've been thinking about A all day, and it's heartbreaking to think of breaking up. A also begged me in pain to turn around and see that he's in love with me now. I've been hesitating, and seeing A truly repent, I really want to turn around, but I don't have the courage. Perhaps I valued material things too much, thought that house was too important, and thought that I would gradually fall in love with L in the future, In this way, I got married to L in a state of contradiction, hesitation, and pain. After marriage, he still treated me well, but I never forgot A.
I didn't mean to do this, I really couldn't do it. I haven't slept with L before, and I'm tired of him touching me after getting married for so long. Moreover, he's not good at it. Recently, I've been dreaming about A every day, and I miss him very much. I learned from a friend that A doesn't know I'm married, and he's looking for me everywhere. Now I completely understand that a house and a car can't give me happiness, really can't. I'm trying hard to fall in love with my husband, but I can't, I don't know what to do. I want to get a divorce, but I will hurt many people, my family, his family, and he. I have been living a very difficult life without a divorce.
To be honest, I regret getting married. Why didn't I understand this truth at the time. Many people say that I was born with no blessings, and I also think I am very hateful. But what can I do? A few days ago, I saw A and he said he had always loved me and waited for me. My heart suddenly relaxed and I was very happy to be with him (we didn't do anything, just meet and chat). What do you think I should do? Sometimes I want to commit suicide, and if I want to die, maybe I don't have to worry about anything anymore and won't suffer anymore.
(Intern Editor: Cai Junyi)
