Post Date December, 02 2023
Valentine's Day has come and gone. If popular culture is credible, Valentine's Day will cause some problems for men. TV programs, comic strips and jokes all show that men are desperately trying to find suitable gifts for their partners, but sometimes they unfortunately lose points.
This reminds me of thousands of old men I interviewed. I interviewed them about love, interpersonal relationships and marriage (details to 30 lessons about love). They have all experienced very romantic situations and unimaginable problems in their relationships, and have worked hard to maintain their marriage for more than half a century.
I found a problem: if we put them all in front of a group of men in their 20s and 30s, what would they say? What lessons will they pass on to the young version of themselves?
Back in the data, I summarized three things that old men will pass on to young men. Think of him as you in the future and give you some suggestions about love.
Learn to start a conversation
Sometimes in interviews, I met some people who I labeled as "tough old men".
These people look very tough. They may be 75 years old, but you still don't want to fight any of them with bare hands. They have spent most of their lives in hard physical work, and they will not say even one unnecessary word. Most of them have participated in the war - the Second World War, the War of Resistance to the United States and Aid Korea, and the Vietnam War. For us, through the observation of masculinity these days, these tough old men are called real men.
To my surprise, learning to communicate is the biggest suggestion from these tough old men. For most of them, the lack of experience in expressing their feelings is aggravated by the shouting at others and shouting from others in the army for several years. They believed that the difficulty of communication was the biggest challenge in their early marriage (their wife also believed that).
But they learned how to deal with it. They overcome the silence of nature and learn how to open their hearts. I will never forget an old man who learned to communicate: even after spending more than half his life, Jack found the love of his life at the age of 40 and maintained this relationship for 30 years after rough breeding and decades of failed love relationship. What makes these changes? He said it was simple: he learned how to communicate.
Well, the most important thing is that I learned how to sit down and talk slowly. Just like when I decide on something, such as buying a new car or a family affair, my attitude once was: "It's none of my business". However, I finally met someone I cared about enough. Anything she thought about had something to do with me. You know, I can't stay out of everything. Let's sit down and discuss. If she has a better idea, we will adopt it. So this is the most important thing I learned.
Almost all the men in my study think this is true. They said: You must have the will to start a conversation.
If you don't like it, you don't have to talk all the time. But if there is something important in a relationship, it will determine whether the relationship will have worsening disappointment and dissatisfaction, then things will become different. At these times, you must be able to talk rationally, constructively and freely on important issues. Otherwise, the relationship will not be happy or even sustainable.
Don't always be her "savior"
Older men point out a behavior that they think is a "communication killer". The problem with this behavior is that it usually stems from the best intention: love and care for another person. Sometimes your partner simply wants someone to listen when she is sad, stressed and disappointed. However, to help, you immediately jump to how to solve this problem.
There is no doubt that the people I investigated believe that they are the main reason for this behavior. And let their young companions be careful about this problem. Fortunately, most of them learned to suppress the impulse to become "saviors".
Clark Hughes, 74, showed his learning process with great expressiveness.
I prefer to say that one of the things I learned is that as a man, I prefer to be a solver. If my wife is complaining, I want to do something for her to make things better. The problem is, first of all, there are many things in life that you can't solve. Second, usually the other person only needs to listen and confirm. So control the impulse to become a solver, stay with each other, and endure the pain that you can't let it solve.
Of course, many times when there are some painful things, whether you can or not, you have the desire to do something. There is no problem with this. It is absolutely correct. But usually, it is not so easy for real big problems. It's more about being with each other, even if it's really hard to watch the people you love suffer.
Looking back, the old man taught you to listen, reflect what you heard, and ask how to help. But resist the temptation to step in and solve problems.
Accept her interest
Through these old men, the key to maintaining feelings in a long marriage can be summarized as: let your partner try their interests. Among unhappy couples and divorced elderly people, the resentment of their spouse's independent interest is manifested. The other half's enthusiasm for an activity is seen as a threat in a relationship.
Long-term happy married men use different methods: join them. The question they ask you is this: What is the most important? How do you spend your leisure time or marriage? If it is the latter (they hope it is), at least try it. If possible, accept your partner's interest. This is better than sitting at home and cooking angrily.
Ernie, 88, as described. He grew up near tough Detroit, and he must constantly prove himself. He escaped the world through sports and played baseball in the minor leagues for several years. He joined the army and participated in the Korean War. Life is not particularly bad after the end, but we have to work hard in a factory. This hard and volatile life was a great challenge to his early marriage. But through hard work, this has become the center of his life.
When asked why all this works so well, he said two words I never expected to say on people like Ernie - opera and ballet. But he believes that a happy marriage means learning to enjoy his wife's interests. He shook his head in surprise and said:
I went to the opera house. opera house! I don't like opera but my wife goes to watch baseball games but she doesn't like baseball. So we put them together. I learned to like what she likes and she also learned to like what I like. I don't want to go to the opera house. It's a very feminine thing. But I went. You know what? There is nothing wrong with that. I don't want to go to the ballet. I think it's very bad. I went. I like it. She also went to the baseball game. She knows nothing about baseball. But she was as happy as the crowd. This is what giving and getting means. It allows you to be in a relationship and enjoy it.
Why listen to the old man? They have completed a very difficult marriage, which is twice as long as you live in the world. Give it to you as a Valentine's Day gift.
