Post Date December, 03 2023
Some people say that a couple is like two stones with edges and corners. How can they put them in a jar without friction? Usually, it's like 'the head of the bed quarrels with the end of the bed'. But what is the psychological state of each couple when they argue?
（1） The 90/10 Principle in Marriage
There is another principle in psychology called the "90/10" principle, what does it mean? For example, why is your mood not good today? Why did you argue? Are you arguing with me? I think it's definitely your fault? It's your responsibility, you make me anxious, you make me angry. We believe that 'I'm so angry', and we definitely say that the other person is wrong. We believe that the other person must have caused my emotions, and who should be responsible for your emotions? In fact, it is you, not the other party who caused your emotions. It is your perspective and attitude towards this matter that determines and influences your emotions. For example, if you argue with the other person today and feel that this incident has triggered my emotional reaction, but in reality, 90% of your reaction is caused by past events, not the current 10%. Past experiences account for 90% of the reason.
Interpersonal relationships are actually two forces: one is that I am safe, I trust, so I am peaceful, I accept, I understand, I tolerate, because I am not safe enough, I do not believe in myself, so I defend, because I am unwilling to accept that I am not good. Why can't we objectively view this matter? Why get angry? Many times, the current situation triggers your original experience, which overlaps with it. If this person has a calm personality, basically no experience of setbacks, and is often praised, they will definitely have a good mentality. They belong to the type of safe person, and are more likely to objectively view things. If the other person is the type who has been criticized by their parents, looked down upon by others, and is not confident, when you say they are not good, What impressions does he overlap with? I've been criticized again, "" I've made a mistake again, "and" He doesn't like me, "which is his automatic thinking. So his first reaction was, 'You think I'm not good,' but what's actually inside him? I am not good enough myself, "overlapping some negative experiences from the past.
So what is our basic understanding of conflict? Conflict is not because you are not good, it is just because you have pulled his trigger, and conflict indicates the necessity of communication. You need to understand his past and know why he is so.
（2） Does it make sense to have a loud voice when arguing
Our understanding is that the higher the voice, the weaker it becomes. Don't look at people getting angry when arguing, everyone wants to show off their strength. In fact, the more powerful they are, the more inferiority they feel. That is to say, the more inferiority a person is, the more they sometimes disguise themselves and use defensive forms to show off themselves, "I'm not afraid of you, I'm very powerful." Therefore, some people first hit the table and then get angry. Why? Tapping the table is a way to boost one's courage and consciousness. The more powerful a person is, the more empty they are. They are not truly powerful, they are not confident, they are empty. They are both powerful and equipped with their armor, which is very powerful. He is angry with me to show his strength. The more you open your teeth and wave your claws, the more you argue, and the more you talk, the weaker you become.
When we look at it like this, our own nerves also relax a lot, there is no need to pretend to be strong anymore, and couples should be more authentic.
（3） Behind the argument is a strong need for attention.
An emotion is not just an emotion, it contains another emotion that is opposite to each other. Here I will teach you some techniques to distinguish opposing emotions. For example, what are the opposing emotions of aggression? It is a desire for tenderness and intimacy. There is a couple who often fight in the middle of the night and have strong physical conflicts. When I watch them fight, I know that women actually need more care and attention, but not enough love. Especially for male comrades, it is important to note that when a woman expresses her anger through aggressive or aggressive behavior, she lacks love and your care for her body is insufficient. Arguments express a desire for attention, attention, and physical contact, as the most advantageous form of communication is still physical communication. Language is sometimes pale, so we also need to recognize the opposing emotions of the other party, regardless of their surface appearance. This is the beauty of psychology. To see her subconscious, to see her inner self, behind an emotion there are opposing emotions, what is behind the aggressive side? Desire for tenderness and intimacy. What does a person express when they are very angry? It's about using anger to express her strength, but in fact, she feels that I've been holding it for too long, I've been too wronged, and I'm usually too weak. There are so many suppressed things inside, and there's a feeling of being ignored and disrespected, so she expresses herself with the strength of her body and the height of her voice. So it's important to look at her body language and her inner emotions. Some people say that life is dull and dull, what is that? Desiring meaning and goals, he needs to explore new life goals and find another meaning in life, so he yearns for transformation. If we can understand each other's emotions and their inner needs, the two of us will truly have a tacit understanding.
