Post Date December, 03 2023
Communication is easy to say, but it is a discipline to do well. Communication in foreign relationships is particularly difficult. Cultural differences lead to different attitudes and habits, which sometimes make me laugh and laugh, and sometimes only irritate me. Especially when each other's ideas are deeply rooted, who wants to make a change? Who wants to take a step back? Communication has now become an argument. He has his reasons, and I have my reasons. The more he talks, the more ridiculous he feels about the other person, and the more he quarrels, the less he wants to let down his self-esteem.
For example, one day for dinner, I made a tender fried chicken chops with a large pot of mashed potatoes and sweet peppers that my boyfriend didn't like the day before yesterday. For the first time, he said he didn't want to eat any side dishes, because in fact, eating at an Italian home only requires a main course, plus bread and cheese that don't need to be prepared, which is not only completely different from my traditional Western food, but I also don't think it's even and healthy to eat, but my boyfriend insists on just having a salad for the next meal, It can balance the nutrients that should be consumed throughout the day, but I still can't accept such a monotonous diet! After explaining the specific reasons, I began to accuse him of not caring for my hard work, and he was not happy that I embarrassed him to eat dishes he hated.
Give hysteria a limit
I have several habits when arguing. I will cite common examples to support my logic and also find relevant examples of the other party's arguments to prove their mistakes. Although I admit that I may not necessarily have the answer to the problem, I am always clear about my motivation and purpose for doing things, I am also very aware of the "KPIs" of things. If the method proposed by the other party cannot effectively achieve the goal, then of course I cannot accept it, so I have to continue to adhere to my original approach
Indeed, I am not a person who understands compromise very well, and I hate to repeatedly discuss the same issues and waste time. Therefore, whenever I want to restate my motivation and purpose, my emotions will become increasingly unstable, my voice will start to soar, my fingers will be waved uncontrollably, and I will enter a chaotic situation in which I will collapse and suffocate the other party. My boyfriend is a person who does not resist, and whenever I start to hysteria, he will turn off the phone and not speak, "He believes that it takes time and reflection to find a better answer to a problem that cannot be solved at the moment, but I am an acute person. When he wants to discuss and avoid my problem later, I only feel more angry!"!
However, at first glance, my boyfriend, who seems to be just evading a quarrel, is actually silently thinking about issues. I find that he not only checks online for some information, or asks his parents or friends for their opinions, but also confirms my original ideas with me, knowing that he has taken the issue to heart and made me feel a lot better. In subsequent quarrels, I will remind myself that there is no need for a volcanic eruption in order to attract his attention and attention.
Identify suitable communication methods for two people
However, sometimes my boyfriend still forgets or ignores my true motivation and purpose, so I will emphasize to him the key points I care about, the details I am willing to leave behind, and give him a deadline to discuss this matter again. During this period, I will also deeply reflect on myself. What is the key to the whole matter, and what changes have not hurt? Again, I will try my best to think from his perspective. Why can't I agree with my idea? What does his heart care about?
When we sit down and rationally discuss the issue again, I will open a Google sheet and start listing both parties' ideas. When there is a dispute about the facts, we can quickly check it online. For example, we have been discussing the schedule for the upcoming Christmas holiday, where to play, what to play, whether it is worth it, when to go... and other miscellaneous ideas and doubts. At this time, record each item and make a table to compare, Let communication flow much smoother.
After more and more successful discussions that have turned quarrels into peace, I have found that we seem to have established a set of models: originally, both sides had their own ideas and complete plans, but the two are always separated from each other. After quarreling and introspection, the two filtered out the areas that they attach the most importance to, and both sides worked together to re coordinate a new plan.
Although each time this new plan represents that I must abandon my original, beautiful, and illusory ideals, I gradually realize that imaginary life and real life are two different things. I cannot willfully live two people's lives according to my own intentions. As long as the conclusions are consistent with my core values and meet my overall goals, I need not haggle over the process. "Also because I began to broaden my mind and recognize that our final decisions will not be consistent with my own fantasies, my prior plans have become much more relaxed, I have become more flexible in discussions, and I am no longer as stubborn about decisions as I used to be.".
Willing to reconcile because of love
Sometimes it's still difficult for me to control my bad words. Fortunately, my boyfriend won't retaliate with a tooth for a tooth, and when I feel like I've gone too far, I'll apologize as soon as possible. If I can't swallow that tone right now, then I'll reconcile before bed and learn to let go of myself. It's not easy. Thinking from a loving perspective requires practice, but I'll keep trying and adjusting myself, because loving him is more important than winning.
Compromise is definitely not about giving up. Winning a fight can only lead to losing the other party
Finding the roots of conflict is important, especially because foreign cultures make our habits and value backgrounds very different. Sometimes it really takes a lot of effort and patience to explore and even challenge ourselves. However, controlling the immediate reaction to conflict is equally important. Regret often occurs between thoughts, and the outcome is not the best of both worlds. Often, it only hurts both sides, but as long as both sides are willing to take a step back, isn't reconciliation a win-win situation?
The reason why we argue is because we are together, and two different people of course have different ideas and opinions. The reason why we argue is to reach the same conclusion, with which we can continue to be together. When I keep this causal relationship in mind, tolerance, concession, acceptance, and diversion... These behaviors are no longer sacrifice, but rather a manifestation of love.
