Post Date December, 03 2023
At that time, I had just finished a love relationship with great care and effort. The scars were still deep and deep, but I met a big boy with charming brown eyes; I know I'm not ready to love, but I'm still attracted by him. I can't help dancing with him, I can't help trying to charm him, I can't help seeing him again and again... Finally, I thought I came to him, thought I could love him, get close to him, and let him know how much I like him. I'm very happy, really happy, and full of joy, I want to wrap up my love and give it to him with my hands carefully, but, But he suddenly pushed me away. There was no reason. He didn't want this relationship, and he didn't want me
I believe that I am a brave girl who can love, so I always pay seriously and I am not shy to let the other party know my feelings. It's not that I can't love, it's just that I can't hurt, and the lyrics are too appropriate, which makes me sad every time I listen to it... Is it because I am too hard and too serious that I will be full of scars? Well, maybe I should learn to build a castle for myself and let no one bother me anymore
It has been nearly half a year since your on-demand broadcast. How are you doing these days? I vaguely remember a sentence my teacher said to me when I studied intimacy in the first year. I still remember it vividly: falling in love with someone is willing to bear the possibility of injury. When you pack your heart and love and deliver them, his refusal and his push away may break your heart.
You asked me, should we start building castles to avoid injury? This is indeed a way for many emotionally injured people to return to their shell. Some people are no longer willing to pay in their feelings after they are separated, because they know that the more they pay, the less power they have, and the more serious they are injured. It is better not to love too deeply at the beginning than to become the person who has been seriously injured and left behind. But the paradox is that because of their defense, they often have no way to get true love, and the assumption that no one really loves me in the heart has been fulfilled.
It sounds like this kind of defense is very bad, but it's human nature to want to hide after being injured. After healing, maybe you will meet another charming person. When you are not ready, you will be attracted again, making you stick your head out of the hole, like a fox and a little prince——
If you tame me, my life will be full of sunshine. I will recognize a kind of footsteps, which will be different from all other footsteps. Other footsteps made me hide deeper into the hole, and your footsteps called me out like music. The fox said to the little prince.
After leaving a very sad relationship, another person rejected you again. You said that you were too serious, so you were covered with scars. But I also saw that you were brave and willing to be desperate for love again and again. It is not enough to love bravely in love, but more importantly, to be brave to face the darkness in your heart. When the other party cannot catch your weakness, you can stretch out your hands and pick it up steadily.
What should we do in fact?
Perhaps we can start by reviewing these two consecutive relationships.
Is it really good to just leave one person and fall in love with the next? Probably, many people who love again seamlessly often ask themselves questions. After all, they are not sure whether they are ready to leave the previous person and enter a relationship. Will they be sorry for the other person? In fact, there are three points to think about:
1. About you and him
Research shows that whether this new relationship is good or not depends on two important factors
Your attachment to the previous relationship
Psychologist Samantha Joel uses a great metaphor to illustrate seamless love. Imagine there are two cups in front of you, but you only have one cup of love. When you still have part of your love left by your predecessor, the current lover will not have all of your love. Some people's seamless integration is that 80% of their love is put on their former lover, 20% on their new object, some people are the opposite, some people are half of it, and of course, some people are directly emptying all the love of their former lover and pouring it all on their current partner. Most people will go back and forth, and finally find a way to balance their love.
2. About you
However, immediately entering the next relationship is actually a kind of comfort for people who have just lost love. This new relationship can often help them stop missing their predecessors and reduce their emotional dependence on their predecessors. If the new target is a great person, it is possible to gradually replace their predecessors.
3. About you and your predecessor
However, another study shows that when you establish a relationship with your partner, you find that he is not as good as your predecessor, or you feel frustrated and injured in the new relationship (like your example, you try hard to love but are pushed away), then you are likely to rely more on your predecessor. In the same logic, those who still rely on their predecessors are not easy to enter the next relationship.
Looking back on these days, the previous relationship ended in great pain, and the new object rejected him again. The love you held in the palm of your hand was broken by him. He was in a dilemma, feeling bitter and disappointed. You may ask yourself: Can you love again? Or can you only make one style of things and build a castle in a circle in the corner? A lot of questions and contradictions are intertwined psychologically. Here I want to provide a possible outlet (which may not be completely in line with your situation): instead of thinking about whether I have the ability to love, it is better to think about whether I am willing to love myself?
It sounds like a cliche, but it also implies a cruel fact: sometimes we look outward to avoid seeing the darkness inside. Some people never empty their feelings. Maybe it is through every filling that I forget that I don't really like my state; Some people try hard to love others, which may just mean that it is easier to love others than to love themselves, and then prove that I have worked very hard through continuous efforts and continuous scarring process, and it is still the internal assumption that no one loves me.
But if you don't believe that you are worthy of being loved, how will others love you?
If you are always frustrated by overexertion in your feelings, the first thing is not to build a city and stop loving others, but to treat yourself with the strength you love others.
