Post Date December, 03 2023
I watched a play called "Strangers at the Dining Table" a while ago, and there are two scenes in it that impressed me deeply.
One scene is like this: When the wife comes home, she puts down the things in her hand while exclaiming that the daughter of the neighbor's family is growing so fast. There was no response, she could only hear herself turning on the tap and washing her hands. Then she continued to ask, "Are you hungry?" Still, no one responded.
It wasn't until she sat down on the sofa that she realized that her husband was wearing headphones and tapping on the keyboard of her laptop without lifting his head. He asked very perfunctorily, "What's the matter downstairs?" The wife repeated what she had just said about the neighbor's daughter's rapid growth, and the conversation ended completely.
In the empty house, there was only the sound of a keyboard, the sound of holding a remote control, the sound of television... The wife and husband never spoke again. This usually occurs in families that are married but do not have children.
The chilling and shocking second act is like this: The next day, while cleaning, my wife found a recording pen under the sofa. When I opened the recording pen, I found that it truly recorded the daily conversation between the husband and wife:
Female: "Help me with the remote control." Male: "Hmm." Female: "Then you should go to bed earlier." Male: "Hmm." Female: "Do you want a drink?"... No answer. Female: "Lettuce is so expensive now." Male: "Really?"
According to the recording pen, the conversation between husband and wife is pitifully rare, and it is basically the wife who speaks first, while the husband answers "Hmm." or "Yes?" in one or two words
……
"Strangers at the table" is a very apt and heartfelt description. In fact, many people have deep feelings about how many families have lost in "pre marital love, post marital aphasia.". Two people are clearly the most familiar and intimate lovers, but aphasia makes them feel like strangers sharing a lease, playing their own solo roles in marriage.
The causes and characteristics of marital aphasia generally include the following three points:
1. I have nothing to say to the other party.
Due to the oil, salt, vinegar, and daily trivialities of marriage, love starts from the initial halo period, slowly enters the run-in period, and finally enters the flat period. It is a normal rule that love gradually sublimates into kinship in marriage. There is also a legendary feeling of "touching the right hand with the left hand," which is normal.
But gradually, everyone only talked about specific things, such as how long the children would pick up, whether they would come back for dinner today, and the monthly income and expenditure situation. Gradually, they didn't talk about their feelings towards each other. Even we are paying less attention to our partner.
Therefore, in marriage, with the increasing number of "just talking about things, not feelings," it seems that we are no longer close, just dealing with some daily chores in marriage, and ultimately becoming "I have nothing to say to you.".
"We won't divorce, but we won't chat anymore.".
"If we can talk about something, it's okay. Many couples end up unwilling to even talk about things.". Based on my case experience, it is likely that there is a problem with the way of communication. Marriage aphasia is never a sudden occurrence, but is caused by repeated communication failures.
"If in our relationship, there are often the" Four Knights of the Doomsday "in marriage: criticism, contempt, defense, and cold war, the other party will naturally be unwilling to communicate because of their tired and disappointed hearts.". Over time, they became their own monologues. The two people met every day, but they were completely out of the same world.
3. Loss of intimacy.
The loss of common language between two people means the loss of intimacy, which is the deadliest in marriage. A visitor once wept to me, saying that since getting married, my husband hasn't gone out to dinner with her two years ago.
In fact, many couples have lost out to the "lack of ritual in life," dating, watching movies, and doing interesting things together when in love. And after marriage? Becomes casual. Gradually, couples lack many opportunities to communicate alone and are lazy in creating common topics, making it easy to lose common language. Marriage is a collaboration, and managing marriage is an ability. Being able to understand and solve problems in marriage is truly intimacy.
To improve marital aphasia, we can try the following three methods.
Method 1: 10 minute management method. A previous survey showed that 10 minutes before bedtime determines the quality of a marriage. In marriages with a high happiness index, couples generally have the habit of watching TV and chatting together before bedtime. No matter what you chat about, the important thing is the feeling and atmosphere of being able to chat at any time and having something to say every day. Therefore, devote at least 10 minutes a day to chatting with two people and concentrate wholeheartedly instead of holding a mobile phone. What are we talking about? Try to talk more about feelings, not the event itself. We can make an agreement to set aside 10 minutes each day, which should not be difficult.
Method 2: Improve chat and communication skills. Chat is also a skill that can be improved. Let each other have more topics of common interest, make the conversation more atmosphere, and let each other feel that they understand each other very well. This can be achieved through practice.
Method 3: A sense of ritual in marriage. Even if you have children, you can create a couple's world. Many people believe that ritual feeling is a difficult thing to do, as long as you put your heart into it, it is actually very simple. For example, when your partner comes back late from overtime, leaving a light for him, and arranging his slippers at the door are all small things that reflect a sense of ritual.
If you want to do more, you can also buy a small item online called "100 Little Things.". It includes 100 things you can do together, such as I want to make cakes with you, watch the sunrise together, take a green train together, and so on. You can do 100 warm, sweet, and interesting love things according to the contents of the card, or you can work together to formulate these 100 small things.
The ending of "Strangers at the Dining Table" is: "Did you hear any sound?" "No." "It's just that there's no sound, it's so quiet." Then the wife handed the recording pen to her husband. The husband heard the contents of the recording pen and felt thoughtful. The next day, I bought a projector to accompany my wife to watch her favorite movies. Finally, the house was no longer quiet.
We see such a happy ending, which is a process of moving from a low point to happiness. All affectionate companionship is due to intentions. Don't let marital aphasia ruin your marriage, nor just freeze your life, let alone forget each other in the daily grind.
