Post Date December, 02 2023
I am 36 years old and have a seemingly happy family. My husband and I both work in public institutions. They work relatively leisurely and enjoy good treatment. Both parents don't need us to take care of them. The only drawback is that we haven't had a child since we were married for four years.
In the eyes of outsiders, I am a "perfect wife": easygoing personality, pursuing the best in everything, thinking for others everywhere, going to the hall, going to the kitchen, taking care of my husband in a modest way, managing properly at home and outside, and having a decent job. However, it is such a hat that makes me tired.
My husband has not only developed the bad habit of not paying attention to housework, but also has to be tolerated and accommodated by me everywhere. He is addicted to online games and can't talk to me a few words a day. He is also stubborn and a little male chauvinistic. He thinks that I must give him face in front of his friends. When he drinks with his friends, if I whisper to him to drink less, he will immediately give me a look. He is still typical of eating soft rather than hard. If I am hard, he is tougher than me.
He may love me. But I prefer a colorful life, while my husband only focuses on the keyboard and his friends, which makes me feel very lonely and depressed. At the beginning, we married hastily and didn't think too much. As time went on, some of my husband's behaviors became more and more unbearable to me, but I could not understand them.
In January this year, I met Lu Qing, 36, at a gathering of friends. He runs a website of his own and has relatively free working hours. He is a busy man, and has not married yet because he hates being tied up. In his spare time, he would organize a group of friends to participate in various activities.
I am bored at home and have no children to drag me down. I gradually joined this group. With the increase of activities, Lu Qing and I became good friends. We have similar personalities, similar interests and tacit words. The two gradually became talkative.
Gradually, I no longer want to stay with my introverted and depressed husband all day, but prefer to stay with Lu Qing. Although this is a dangerous signal, I don't care at all because I believe I have a sense of propriety.
The change of things was due to a quarrel between my husband and me. On a Sunday in early February, I participated in the ladder climbing activity organized by Lu Qing. It was 6 o'clock when I returned home in the afternoon. After entering the door, I found my husband still sitting in front of the computer playing games as usual. I was tired and hungry, and told him to prepare dinner between my baths.
More than 20 minutes later, when I came out of the bathroom, my husband was still playing his computer game. Suddenly, I was not angry. He has been playing games since I went out in the morning. As of my return, he has been sitting in front of the computer for almost a day. Besides, there are some cooked food in the refrigerator, which can be taken out after heating. I've been tired all day, but he doesn't care about me at all.
I couldn't help saying a few words to him. Who knows, he was furious and complained that I was not caring for my family. He only knew how to play, but also scolded me for being lazy. It turned out that all my previous efforts were worthless in his eyes. I burst into tears, opened the door and rushed out.
A man walked aimlessly in the street. In a trance, I thought of Lu Qing. Shortly after talking to him on the phone, he took me home and cooked a new dinner for me. We drank a lot of wine that day. I poured out my troubles to him, while he listened quietly and comforted me from time to time. We talked very congenially. That night, I cheated.
Although my husband doesn't care about me and scolds me, we are husband and wife after all. He still loves me in his heart. I feel guilty and sorry for him. I have been suffering from regret. More unexpectedly, I found out that I was pregnant soon.
The husband was delighted to know. For the first time, he stayed away from the computer and paid more attention to me. Both parents were equally overjoyed. My mother-in-law from Zibo rushed to Jinan to take care of me. I am more ashamed. Because I understand that the child is Lu Qing's. I didn't mention it to anyone.
Whenever I see my husband and mother-in-law asking for warmth and comfort, my conscience is condemned again and again. The longer the time, the more I feel unable to extricate myself. According to the current situation, they will never let me kill the child easily. Besides, the child is innocent. But if I have a child, how will I face my relatives. How will I face my child when he grows up?
I don't want to live with guilt. Long pain is better than short pain. I even think about my life after divorce. But on second thought, divorce will also bring harm to relatives. I don't want to let innocent people bear guilt or pain because of my mistakes. What should I do?
(Intern editor: Cai Junyi)
