Post Date December, 02 2023
Couple relationship has always been a social problem. So, how can we improve the relationship? Beyond immediate reactions, we can discover its fixed interaction pattern. We need to find out the vicious interaction that two people often fall into, and find out what behavior has caused the conflict between them to become more serious?
In fact, behind these dramatic behaviors, they are all related to emotional attachment, feelings of safety and fear. Further explore the underlying thoughts that these destructive words really want to express, leading to deeper and softer emotions. The following three interactions worsen a marital relationship:
Mutual blame mode
If the relationship is stable and both parties have a sense of security, this mode of interaction is dangerous but also short lived.
However, for couples with less stable relationships, it can become a habit and deeply ingrained, impeding all possibilities for emotional reconstruction and repair, and permanently and completely destroying the relationship between them.
When we feel that there is a distance between us, we choose demanding and demanding strategies, or withdrawal and closure strategies, which partially reflect our personality, but mostly depend on the experience we have learned from certain important attachment relationships in the past.
Once we lose our sense of security and partner's response, we need to protect ourselves and maintain our connection with each other in two ways: 1. It is to avoid engaging in emotions, that is, trying to paralyze your emotions, closing down and denying your attachment needs; 2。 It is listening to your own anxiety and gaining the attention and reaction of the other person.
Once it becomes a habit and deep-rooted, it forms a strong and powerful vicious circle: the more you attack, the greater the sense of threat it poses to me, the more I defend you, and the more powerful the counterattack will become.
The secret to stopping this pattern is to recognize that no one is a bad egg, and that both spouses are victims. It is not necessary to distinguish who is right from who is wrong to say, "We are starting to prove that the other person is wrong again. If this continues, it will only hurt each other. Can we talk again?".
The only culprit is the mutual accusation itself. Their enemies are not each other, but their negative interactions with each other.
Chasing and Escaping Mode
This is the most common and difficult interaction mode in emotional relationships. Because hidden behind it are the strongest emotions and needs in the world, striving for a response that connects with each other and can receive reassurance.
In a good marital situation, pain or disappointment can be seen as a signal of the need for intimacy rather than a critique of the relationship. However, if a couple's relationship is unstable, the 'dance of protest' will accelerate and intensify, causing them to complain to each other and become more and more painful, and the relationship will become increasingly distant, creating a stable loop. Newlyweds fall into this pattern, usually lasting less than five years; Some people have been stuck in this dilemma for years.
When faced with emotional crisis, men often feel criticized, rejected, and denied by the other party, and play the role of withdrawal. They suppress emotional reactions and needs, do everything they can to avoid the anger and negation of the other person, use rational analysis to avoid emotional communication, and are unwilling to admit that there is a problem between the two people.
Women talk about their feelings of abandonment, inadmissibility, loss, and loneliness, feeling not valued or cherished by the other person, and feeling angry because the other person rarely responds. Because women are usually sensitive to their emotional needs, they often play the demanding and blaming side.
Sadly, although a man tries his best to provide advice and methods in order to detect his wife's troubles, he does not understand that what the other person really wants is his emotional assurance, which is the answer she wants.
From the perspective of emotional attachment, its problem lies in emotional distance, not conflict or restraint. If there is no response, a 'fatal' sense of isolation, loss, and helplessness will follow. Especially when the person you trust and love ignores your existence.
Perceive yourself as a whole trapped in this cycle of patterns, and know how each other's actions will pull each other into this pattern. Understand the essence of this interactive mode and learn to recognize the call for emotional connection. So don't just focus on the last sentence the other person says and don't respond to it. Knowing that our partner is not the enemy but the 'couple dance step' itself allows couples to stand together and discuss each other's emotional attachment and needs.
Cold and retreat modes
Once the strong and harsh one tries to suppress emotions, give up, and start being silent, both individuals have defended and denied themselves, closed themselves, and entered a state of self-protection. "Both people believe that their own shortcomings are the problem, and in order to hide their unlovable, no one is willing to risk reaching out to each other, so there is no interaction at all.".
In this interaction, one person often describes how he or she entangles with the other person and protests against their lack of connection; The other party usually chooses to abstain and is trapped in a state of withdrawal, attempting to deny the possibility that the two people will soon be separated.
The crux of the "cold and retreat" model is actually its sense of helplessness. The longer the time goes by, the farther the distance between them becomes, and the more they dare not open their hearts to each other. As the sense of alienation and helplessness deepens day by day, they will increasingly hide themselves. The first step in starting anew is to know how to bind yourself and deprive yourself of the love you need, resolve to end the cycle of estrangement, break away from painful interactions, and rebuild strong emotional bonds.
Please remember that the content of their quarrel is not a real issue; The real question is always about whether your emotional connection is secure and secure. It involves accessibility, responsiveness, and emotional engagement. Recognizing this interaction pattern is the first step we take to jump out of the cycle of alienation. Once you can identify these vicious cycles and acknowledge that they trap you, you have learned how to get rid of them.
